Oh, and I would also like to thank Julie one more time…

Because not only did she buy both book one and book two of my science fiction action/comedy novel seres, but she also got a copy of my charming children’s book: I Like Monkeys.

On top of that, she mailed me a letter saying, in part: ‘I Like Monkeys should be in every preschool and kindergarten program. How very sweet and thought-provoking! I’m not kidding either. I think I will volunteer to go to some schools in the area and read it for the kids.’

Well, how awesome is that? I am touched. I am honored. Thanks, Julie… now be a good minion and go to the link on my book page and type that same bit into the ‘review this book’ section…

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Oh where, oh where have my editors gone… (or): Can a brother get an editor up in this beeyotch?

Well, Christmas is drawing near, and you all know what that means, right? Yup, my older daughter, Jessica, always sets aside time to get one of my books ready to send to the printers. And her boyfriend does the same so he can make a nifty bit of art for the next cover, based on my ideas. These are time-consuming things for them to do, which is why it ends up being a Christmas present to me… because they have their own lives.

The good news is that Book Three of ‘The Otherwhere Chronicles’, my hilarious and exciting science fiction series, should… hopefully… be available sometime in late January or early February.

The bad news is that I have lost my editor. I had a nice lady who goes to my wife’s church who did it. But I think she left. So now I have a very short time to figure out what to do about this.

My friend… (and Head Minion)… Trent, is already editing that murder mystery I wrote that takes place in World War Two London… you know, the one that I wrote a bunch of you in as characters.

I mean, it wouldn’t be fair to ask any of you to help me… would it? I can’t pay anything. I could only promise to add a character based on you or your blog name or your real name into book five… (book 4 is already written)… and maybe put a dedication on the inside page, and a link to your blog. And do blog posts about how awesome you are.

And I guess you would get a free copy of the third book of the series.

So… uh… yeah…


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Okay, look, there is no way around this, I am just going to have to do a bunch of short posts today, because first, I had those technical issues, and then I got sick, which I still am, in case you were wondering, and there is so much going on right now and I would love to tell you all about it in the title of this post to see if I could actually break the record for ‘the longest title of a WordPress blog post’, but it will be easier if I just break it down into a few short posts… and they will be short… I promise…

See… nice and short… just like I promised…

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Face it, ladies, you just aren’t as good at being sick as we men are…

I’m sick. I have a low fever… and some other symptoms… so of course my life has to come to a screeching halt while I pathetically whine for the people around me to not only nurse me back to health but to take care of all my responsibilities as well… because… you know… that is how a man gets sick!

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Well, I don’t usually give advice to terrorist extremists… but here’s an idea…

Why don’t we try something new… you know… just for a change… and not blow people up… or shoot them… or behead them. As I understand it, your goal is to get people to follow your religion. I am not expert, but it does sort of seem that killing people is a silly way to go about this. The people you kill can’t very well convert to your belief system, can they? And when other people see you killing innocent people just to make a point, it makes them nervous. This is just a bad public relations campaign all the way around.

So maybe you can try something new… just for a while… just to mix it up a little… just to see if maybe you really can get more people to listen to you without having to kill them.

What about this… try going door to door selling cookies…

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I might have just suggested going door to door to spread the word of your faith, but that would make you too much like those other religious nuts who do that… and everybody hates those people. If, on the other hand, you sell them some tasty cookies at the same time, it will put them in the mood to listen. Maybe you could include little pamphlets in each box of cookies explaining to people why yours is the only one true god… it might work.

I suppose you could also try bake sales… or opening soup kitchens or medical clinics for the poor. Or almost anything that doesn’t involve killing people. What do you say?


*** Dear NSA agent who is reading this… I swear this is just a joke, and I am in no way trying to actually be useful to any terrorist movement… although really, if they did take this advice, would that be such a bad thing?***

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Well, I don’t usually give advice to crack dealers… but here’s an idea…

When you go to the park to sell your crack… you know… like you do… try following these simple steps.

1. Dress like a clown.

2. Get some helium balloons.

3. Tie the little bags of crack to the strings of the balloons about halfway down… or up… the string.

This will help you in a few ways. First of all, as a clown, you will have an obvious reason for hanging around in a park all day. You won’t look quite so suspicious. When your customers want to buy a bag of crack, you just sell them one of the balloons with crack tied to it. But make sure you leave the crack bags off about half of the balloons. That way, you can sell balloons to kids and their parents and make a little extra money. Oh, but make sure you charge more money for the crack balloons or this is a horrible business model.

The most brilliant part of my idea is this: If the cops catch on, and they start to approach you, you just let go of the balloons… and they will float away with all the evidence.

Here is a handy illustration… you know… in case your reading skills aren’t up to the task of following my instructions…

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Okay… maybe at this point I should mention the fact that I am not really trying to make life easier for crack dealers. I am trying to make life easier for me. Because what is happening now is that crack dealers are hiding their little bags of crack in holes in trees and in the bushes at parks. And squirrels, being the inquisitive and hungry creatures that they are, are getting addicted to crack… I am not making this up… crack squirrels are a real thing… I know, because somehow, while I was sleeping a few years ago, some of them crawled inside my head and took up lodging in the empty space in there.

Yes, I freely admit that I like having them there. They increase my blogging output exponentially. In fact, I’m pretty sure that they came up with this idea.

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Okay… that might be enough me… even for me…

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I mean… you know… for now…

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